5 Signs I Should Have Had Decaf

23 Sep

Standing in the long line at Subway for lunch yesterday it began to dawn on me that perhaps decaf would have been the wiser choice of java that morning… Why did I suspect this? 

  1. The man immediately in front of me, pacing, dancing around and grabbing / eating bags of chips from the front of the counter—that he hadn’t even paid for yet—was so jumpy and jittery that he began to make me nervous.
  2. The man standing in front of him had a tag sticking out of the back of his shirt and I had an overwhelming compulsion to violently rip it from his collar.
  3. The woman seated to my left was laughing so loudly and so obnoxiously that her shrill joviality made the concept of chewing glass an attractive option.
  4. The couple standing in the middle of the restaurant yelling to an acquaintance (who was standing RIGHT BESIDE THEM by the way) about their newly-rented, 10-bedroom condo in the Outer Banks incited such extreme annoyance that I felt the sudden urge to throw my purse at them while simultaneously yelling: “NOBODY IN THIS RESTAURANT CARES HOW MANY BATHROOMS IT HAS!”
  5. I honest-to-goodness imagined yanking the cell phone from the hands of the girl behind me and tossing it into the cucumber bin simply because I hated her ring tone.

Somehow, while all of these crazy imaginings and urges were flashing across my mind, I managed to look calmly out the window and settle my gaze upon a lovely maple tree that was just beginning to blush with the colors of fall. That is until my attention was diverted from the tree to the photograph hanging on my right. It was of a local high-school cheerleader—whose big hair and ridiculously-happy smile—made me want to slap her.

See, I told you… decaf.

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5 Responses to “5 Signs I Should Have Had Decaf”

  1. becomingcliche September 23, 2011 at 7:07 AM #

    Your morning has nothing at all to do with the caffeine you consumed. Nothing at all. Some people are born obnoxious. They are BORN THAT WAY. Help me out, here. If these were actually signs to cut back on caffeine, then they would apply to me, as well. And I can’t have that. Coffee is the only thing keeping me upright most days.

  2. The City Slacker September 23, 2011 at 7:10 AM #

    Yeah, I don’t think any of this had anything to do with the caffeine. Seems like you just took a wrong turn onto Douchebagsville.

  3. The City Slacker September 23, 2011 at 7:11 AM #

    Into Douchebagsville I mean. #fatfingers

  4. Linda September 23, 2011 at 8:23 AM #

    LOL! Too funny. So I am not the only one who thinks those kind of things when waiting in line!

  5. Debbie Shields September 23, 2011 at 11:30 AM #

    Hilarious! I esp. liked the “chewing glass” part…oh, and the cucumber bin.

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