Anyone Else Hear That Buzzing Sound?

22 Nov

I’ve been a little swamped lately so I hope you’ll forgive me for posting something I wrote a few summers ago when I first moved into my “new-to-me-but-very-old” house and discovered I had roommates… of the buzzing, stinging variety. Yep… yellowjacket wasps. And I am DEATHLY afriad of bees or bugs for that matter… especially ones that fly. And buzz. And sting. So, although I feel too busy to breathe right now—or at least fearful of forgetting HOW to breathe—I’d rather post SOMETHING than nothing… so I reached into the archives for this one. My hope is that you will find it as entertaining as I did horrifying… Enjoy. Oh and maybe grab your fly swatter.

Just so you’re aware, and I hope you NEVER have to find out… here is what it’s like to share your home with yellow jacket wasps…

For almost 2 weeks now, every morning, I do the “Walk of Shame” in my pajamas. At day-break, bra-less and with pillow-marks and wild hair, I scurry over to MY house from my parents’ house. I do everything at my house, except SLEEP there. The thought of one of those “creatures-from-depths-of-hell” (as I have grown fond of calling them) crawling on my pillow in the middle of the night creeps the shit out of me! What if I roll over on it, and it stings my cheek, or worse… I accidentally swallow it!?! I shudder even as I type this. I can only imagine what the neighbors must think though… a 34-year-old woman who has her own home, STILL sleeps at mommy and daddy’s every night?!? Talk about having “issues”…

Once inside the enemy’s territory, I sneak around my OWN house, tip-toeing like a cat burglar, with my WMD’s (a fly-swatter and a can of Mega-Freeze hairspray) close at hand. I enter rooms as though arriving at my own previously-anticipated surprise party… You know, because I want to surprise the surprisers that are hiding and laying in wait.

I compulsively throw open doors, blinds and curtains as if this element of surprise gives ME the upper hand against AN INSECT THAT FLIES!! I thoroughly shake out my clothes before getting dressed, I closely examine shoes and slippers before placing my foot inside—lest I squash one of them and my foot swells and it looks like I have elephantitus or some such disfiguring disease. I gingerly lift towels, rags and laundry with my thumb and fore finger in case one of the demon-spawn is hiding there. I’ve learned to RELY on the mirrors to tell me if one is sneaking up on me from behind. I suspect NOWHERE is safe, and I trust nothing.

However, I AM beginning to wonder if I am going about this ALL wrong. Perhaps the yellowjackets and I should maybe consider a less harsh solution like… couples therapy? I mean, me and the hive, could just sit down in a neutral setting, where there is no judgement or preconceived notions about “good” and “bad” and everyone is equal and we can air our grievances in a calm and cool manner. My sister once talked a raccoon into leaving her garage after several weeks, by simply speaking rationally to him, maintaining eye contact, and then leaving the door up that night when she went to bed. Soooo… anything’s possible.

Maybe I should just open up the phone book and find a family therapist who specializes in “unique” problems. I mean, OK… so MAYBE poisoning them with Aqua Net isn’t the right way to go after all, maybe it is a tad harsh. I’m not perfect. Perhaps we just need to learn to live in harmony with one another. You know, respect each other’s space. Bee considerate… and by all means, COMMUNICATE.

OK, it’s settled, I have the yellow pages, and I’m looking for therapists… I think I’ll start with the B’s…

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6 Responses to “Anyone Else Hear That Buzzing Sound?”

  1. Neeks November 22, 2011 at 9:32 AM #

    You mentioned that his was in the past, did you ever get rid of the freeloaders? I hope so, but this was funny.

    • Woman In Thrisis November 22, 2011 at 6:01 PM #

      Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it! It was quite a horrible experience to bee honest (sorry, can’t help the puns) but they were disposed of yes. The owner hired a really good exterminator who DID have to come back TWICE to get rid of them completely. They said old houses with the wood underneath the siding provide the perfect places for them to wedge inside and get comfy and build a nice HUGE nest. I was literally picking them off of my shower curtain, mini-blind pully-string-thing, my PILLOW!! And emptying them from light fixtures. I was in HELL. Though I never did get stung… thank God! ;)

  2. JT November 22, 2011 at 3:15 PM #

    Hmmm I was thinking about a career change… maybe I will become a B’s Therapist :D

  3. Booksphotographsandartwork November 22, 2011 at 10:04 PM #

    We have had terrible problems with them in the last few years. A few years ago my granson opened the door to the little play stove that was outside and it was packed full of them in a hive. I thought that the devil himself was in there. His screams scared me so bad. I will never forget them. Thank God he did not get bit. He is however terrified of flying bugs.

    • Woman In Thrisis November 27, 2011 at 9:54 PM #

      OH how awful!! I’m so glad he was OK! They are evil spawn. I hate them!! :P

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