“Men Don’t Make Passes…

12 Jun

… at girls who wear glasses.”

Isn’t that how the saying goes?

“Awwwww man!” I cried out from beneath the golden glow of the living room lamp. “It looks better. Damn.” Wondering what all the fuss was about Lee yelled out to me from the computer room.

“Isn’t that what they are for, Joanna?” he questioned in a slightly exasperated but still inquisitive tone. “Aren’t your new glasses supposed to make things clearer for you?”

“YEEEEESSSSSSSSS. But only for when I’m toiling away in front of THAT thing all day long.” I groaned, while stomping into the room he was in and making wild gestures toward the computer screen. “They weren’t supposed to be for reading too. The doctor said so. He said that I was mildly far-sighted and that the ONLY time I needed to use them was while sitting at the computer. Do you KNOW what this latest development MEANS!?!” I whined.

“That you need glasses? That you’re eyes are going bad?” Lee said in a teasing manner.

“Well, yes… THAT. But it actually means that I AM GETTING OLD. When you first liked me, I was a mere kitten at 17… with perfect vision. Now look at the version you’ve got. I’m getting old.” Defeated, I lumbered out of the room—shoulders slumpled, glasses in hand—and plopped down cross-legged in the recliner. As I slid the glasses back onto my face I thought to myself… At least I can still cross my legs under me. That’s something. Isn’t it?

I pretended to read but what I was actually doing was studying the backs of my hands and the tops of my thighs… assessing them for similar signs of wear and tear like my eyes are apparently beginning to show. Thiiiiis is how it starts… I said to myself. First it’s the eyes, then it’s something else.

After awhile of trying to frame the words on the page with my corrective lenses I developed a headache and realized that I’d plowed completely through chapter 18 entirely unaware of what it had said. I sighed, put the book down and headed into the kitchen.

Since I was no longer reading, I slid the glasses on top of my head and proceeded to rinse a few dishes. Peering into the darkness on the other side of the window above the sink I noticed an unfamiliar woman staring back at me. My first thought was of course… When did this happen?

Then the next one came barreling down… even more terrifying than the last… In another 17 years, after losing not only my sight and the ability to cross my once-nimble legs beneath me, I will have lost my mind too. Therefore I’ll probably have one of those chains around my neck, dangling from either side of my face so that I never, ever lose them.

Oh sure, I imagine that I’ll “misplace” them from time to time — searching wildly about the house, turning over couch cushions and scattering tubes of BENGAY and bits of mail from AARP… But of course it will only be a matter of time before Lee walks in (with his superior vision) and points out to me that they’ve indeed been on my head the entire time.

For the sake of posterity… here I am… still young “enough” to be sans-chain.

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32 Responses to ““Men Don’t Make Passes…”

  1. paigefussell June 12, 2012 at 12:03 PM #

    Wait until necessity forces you to buy another pair to keep in your purse so you can read menus or text messages (they do have this app that magnifies the text on your phone, but I’m totally not there yet), or when you purchase your third pair to keep by the bed, or when you purchase that dreaded fourth pair so you can keep them close to where you open mail so you can distinguish bill from junk mail or peruse the Victoria’s Secret catalog before throwing it in the recycle bin. I hear ya and am right there with ya! And such a hot pic! You’re doing fine, Joanna! I don’t think you need to worry about a damn thing! :-)

    • Woman In Thrisis June 12, 2012 at 12:56 PM #

      Haha!! Paige you are too funny! Thank you for letting me know what I have “look” forward to!! Thanks for your “insight”! Sorry, I am lousy with puns today. I hope you are well!

  2. Fawn Stephens June 12, 2012 at 12:16 PM #

    You’re still as pretty as you were in school Joanna.

    • Woman In Thrisis June 12, 2012 at 12:55 PM #

      Thank you Fawn :) You are too kind. Hope all is well in your world!

  3. deb shields June 12, 2012 at 12:41 PM #

    You are so funny! Life will continue to have those “ah-hah” moments. They creep up on us. But if we are having those moments, it means we are still alive to enjoy the other wonderful “stuff” of life. Love you.

    • Woman In Thrisis June 12, 2012 at 12:54 PM #

      You’re 100% right, mom. I love you too! Hope to “see” you soon ;) Glasses… or not :P

  4. Booksphotographsandartwork June 12, 2012 at 12:59 PM #

    I seem to be having a new moment of shock and not awe every week now. One more things goes over the hill. Those glasses look great on you! The color is perfect. And glasses are hard to get right.

    • Woman In Thrisis June 12, 2012 at 1:06 PM #

      I know what you mean Linda! And I imagine this will only pick up speed with each passing year :( UGH. Thanks on the glasses. The optician picked them out and I’m glad. Were it not for her I’d probably be wearing some huge, red monstrousities reminiscent of Sally Jesse Raphael or big, heavy black frames like Buddy Holly… :P

  5. cravesadventure June 12, 2012 at 1:47 PM #

    Loving the new look glasses and all! You are one SEXY & SMART B and will be until you are 80 – hang in there:) I have worn glasses for almost 20 years now and I am not by any means old and at least we have options for styles now – ha! Happy Tuesday:)

    • Woman In Thrisis June 12, 2012 at 2:48 PM #

      Thanks Renee :) I only hope that you are right! And like my mom said… at least if I’m around to complain about aging it means that I am AROUND! Have a great day yourself :)

  6. Tiffany (lifewithblondie) June 12, 2012 at 1:52 PM #

    Look at the bright side, Lee will come in and point them out to you! Much better than waiting for some kid in the neighborhood to tell you that because you’re the crazy cat lady with no one to love!!

    • Woman In Thrisis June 12, 2012 at 2:49 PM #

      haha :D Too funny Tiffany. You are absolutely right! That is definitely a bright side to look at. Thanks for the reminder!

  7. justacowboyforchrist June 13, 2012 at 6:22 AM #

    Sometimes I look at my wife and think “hmmm”, she sure is not what I married, and then I look in the mirror and realize how lucky I am to have her! Growing old together only makes you appreciate you asked the other one to marry you when you were young. lol! Otherwise, I fear her answer would have been “no”. Yikes! Great article, Joanna.

    • Sean Durity June 13, 2012 at 10:16 AM #

      YES! My wife is getting better as she gets older. Maybe not all the physical things, but I love the woman she is becoming more than the one I married (not that she started out bad, either!). +1 for long term marriage!

      • justacowboyforchrist June 13, 2012 at 12:08 PM #

        You know, this is a mystery, too, but I have to agree with that! It’s not what a young man would ever expect, but it is true!

        • Sean Durity June 13, 2012 at 12:24 PM #

          To give context, my wife and I are approaching our 18th anniversary. So we aren’t legendary, yet, but not young pups, either. My grandparents made it to almost 69 years before my grandfather died. And they loved each other more at the end…

        • justacowboyforchrist June 13, 2012 at 9:14 PM #

          My wife and I are at 35th, and it seems you just keep growing closer as the years go by. We,ve been together so long, I can’t imagine being without her.

        • Sean Durity June 14, 2012 at 8:33 AM #

          I can imagine it – but only in my nightmares! Congrats on marital longevity, my friend. It is an accomplishment worth celebration.

        • Woman In Thrisis June 14, 2012 at 9:58 AM #

          I am hoping both of you see this comment… Sean and Cowboy… It is wonderful that you have both been so happy for all these years. Your success is an encouragement to the rest of us! Thank you for sharing it :)

        • justacowboyforchrist June 15, 2012 at 11:56 AM #

          Got your message, Joanna. It really is true. If people grow “together” as the years go by, you reach a point of being inseparable. I’m on vacation and have a lot going on, so I am very in and out right now, but I got your message. Thanks!

        • Sean Durity June 15, 2012 at 10:28 PM #

          I got it, too. We have had our rough times (believe it!), but God has encouraged us to keep our marriage great (not just ok). I believe only He can give us the love that is required.

  8. JT June 13, 2012 at 8:05 AM #

    Joanna I am facing the need for clearer vision, perhaps if I put it off long enough I will get used to living in the dark ;-)

    • Donald Miller June 14, 2012 at 3:11 AM #

      Well, you know what Ray Charles said when someone asked him what the worst thing about being blind was?

      True story!

      He said, “Well, you can’t see anything.”

    • Woman In Thrisis June 14, 2012 at 10:00 AM #

      Hahaha :D You two are funny! I guess that is certainly one way to look at it… or NOT look at it… whichever applies to you personally ;)

  9. Donald Miller June 14, 2012 at 3:14 AM #

    BTW Joanna, I did a lot of laughing. (Because you wrote it funny. Not the other kind.)

  10. Shawdiane June 22, 2012 at 1:54 PM #

    Hi Joanna. I just love wearing my new Gucci reading glasses to read your blog !
    Yes, ‘eye 2′ ( oops! ) am having to come to terms with magazines using smaller & smaller print at my expence… So to add to my Gucci bag collection I thought, why not get a pair of their glasses too & they really look quite nice. But it did take me a couple of weeks before I took a deep breath & put the specs on out of the house ( I could not read the menue when Doug took me for a meal !!) We have been married 31 years :-0 ( we married in our teens) & as long as he still thinks I look beautiful when I wear them, that is good enough for me. People cannot believe we have been married so long, simply because we still talk & laugh together. But we only feel we have been together about 6 years & we want more !! Our marriage recipe is, each day make each other laugh, have cuddle & always mention the word ‘love’ & give a little bit of praise when he/she does something for you. It works for us & he is still my 6ft 1 inch sexy blonde I married when I was a giggling teenager. Now I am a giggling spec wearer! You look lovely Joanna & when I looked at your new pic, the first I noticed was not your glasses, but your beautiful blonde hair. I am a brunnette & I must add a pic to my replies. I hope you are enjoying the new summer ( I even managed to buy a pair of sun reading glasses which are brill for sitting on the beach & no one knows these are for reading but think they are sun glasses, wish it was sunny all year round!!! Much love dear friend. From The Isle of Wight.

  11. Donald Miller July 31, 2012 at 5:27 PM #

    You’re my favorite person on the web, as I’ve said before, so I hope that if I’m talking out of turn that you will please forgive me. One reason for the first part of that statement is because, for instance—the self-awareness and not taking yourself too seriously that comes from someone who writes this sentence: “YEEEEESSSSSSSSS. But only for when I’m toiling away in front of THAT thing all day long.”

    I hope you’ll forgive me for saying that I don’t think the glasses make you look like you. I know you from the things you write on your blog and the beaming brightly woman in the B&W photo and the wearing the prepared-for-very-cold-weather coat in the other photo. I think the glasses in this photo project too much authority, which I feel compelled to mention as the friend of someone looking for an important job. You’re a wonderful person. But the question is would a boss want to have an employee who looks more authoritative than him or her?

    I see you with thin gold frames that help you brighten up the room when you walk into it. That’s the way I think of you—as one of these fortunate few people who when they walk into a room it seems as if someone has suddenly turned the lights on.

    I hope you won’t hold it against me if I’m putting my foot in my mouth—something that I’m prone to doing.

    • Woman In Thrisis July 31, 2012 at 8:07 PM #

      It’s OK. I don’t take offense at all. I appreciate your thoughts and the freedom you felt to express them. I don’t feel like “me” in ANY glasses but the good thing is that I rarely wear them except in front of the computer. …i.e. an employer won’t see me in them until I’m hired and planted in front of the screen toiling away. They cost $300 (before insurance) so I’m likely not to get a new pair anytime soon. But you HAVE made me reconsider using the image for my LinkedIn profile pic. I think I need to use something sans glasses and perhaps I will look more like myself and more approachable… and more HIREABLE!! Haha!! ;) Thanks again! J

      • Donald Miller July 31, 2012 at 8:43 PM #

        Hah-hah.

        Well, Joanna, I really don’t get it. The economy must have really bottomed out big time. If I was an employer (forget about that silly stuff I said on my “About” page, ’cause that was just a single guy being (okay, probably not humorous) but I gave it a shot. Heh-heh. But seriously, If I had to be around people all day, I’d sure want to be. . . well, like around the people I choose to share comments with online. . . nice intelligent folks, who make me feel better about life.

        So, all I can say is that if I was hiring, my heart would be racing from the time you walked away from my desk till the time I could calculate how much the maximum salary I could pay. Life’s just too damn short to be around the wrong people.

        So, anyway, I don’t get why it’s taking so long–except that the economy has gone to heck.

        Well, chin up, you’ll find the right company eventually and if you don’t, why you definitely have the smarts to have your own. (Although you might not need the headaches.)

        So long for now.

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