Fifty Shades of Green

Morning-SicknessFor four long months I have dreamt of the moment when I could confidently—without pausing to take a deep breath, sip ginger ale, eat a cracker, or run to the bathroom to throw up—write about the hell that was all-day morning sickness. The only way I could possibly put pen to paper to record the experience was to be safely and securely on the other side of it. Even now, as I write these words half way through my pregnancy, recalling certain memories evokes powerful feelings… to gag, that is.

In the earliest weeks after learning that I was, in fact, in the family way, it concerned me that I felt no nausea. It seemed like all I’d ever heard about being pregnant was that you felt dreadfully sick. Thus, being the worrier I am, I thought my lack of dreadful sickness was a surefire indication that something was wrong. Though, I quickly learned that one should never count their cookies before they’re tossed.

Once the cookie-tossing began, it was a force to be reckoned with. Just ask my husband (who just so happened to be busy driving my emotionally-unstable, nauseated and exhausted @$$ all the way back to Ohio from New Mexico at the time). Along with infinite potty breaks, Lee had the coveted job of rustling up super-specific, pregnant-lady emergency supplies in the middle of the desert such as Cap’n Crunch, dry toast, pancakes, orange sherbet, ginger ale and root beer floats to name a few.

After the first of the year, back in Columbus, I was a wretched mess. I couldn’t keep down something as simple as a saltine. My suitcase and bags of souvenirs remained untouched on the floor for two whole months and simple tasks such as brushing my teeth or cleaning the cat’s dishes would send me heaving. Miraculously, in the midst of this misery, a brand new drug approved for the treatment of severe morning sickness had just hit the market and my doctor sent me home with a mountain of free samples.

This little miracle pill enabled me to eat certain types of food once again and tolerate being in the same room with my husband as he cooked his own supper, but it didn’t take away the nausea completely. So I subsisted on any old weird thing that sounded good to me at the moment, such as: banana smoothies and Cool Ranch Doritos, Chex Mix and Dots, cherry icees, peanut butter and honey sandwiches, and pickles and cranberry juice.

It was during this time that I also learned to lead a much smaller life that involved little to no make-up, optional showers and lots of yoga pants and baseball caps. For three months I shuffled around in less than a 1,000 square foot radius… going from the bed to the recliner to the bathroom to the fridge and back to bed again and thus, cabin fever became VERY real. I would dream about getting out — and going anywhere that was different from the house became my mission… and my madness.

And it all came to a head one snowy, subzero day when I became particularly fixated on leaving the house and going out to eat. It was precisely the sort of wet and chilly day people are happy to remain indoors, but I insisted that we go out and try a brand new restaurant. Initially I was psyched! After spending way too many days indoors with unruly hair and in raggedy pajamas, I was finally getting out! And my husband (who probably just wanted to stay home and watch ESPN) was happily taking me! I showered, fixed my hair and make-up, and cut the tags off of a brand new maternity outfit.

The outing, however, proved to be a terrible idea. The roads were in terrible shape and the drive took three times longer than normal, so by the time we arrived at the restaurant, sat down and ordered our food… I was beginning to lose my initial “out on the town” glow. But here we were, at my insisting, and I was DETERMINED to make this work. So I said nothing, and I smiled and I made small talk and I ate. And I ate. And I continued to eat even though my topsy-turvy tummy had twice tried telling to stop.

“Are you alright?” Lee asked me from across the table. I nodded in the affirmative, even though I was anything BUT alright. “… because you don’t LOOK alright. Why don’t you get up and get some air.” He said to me gently. So I took his advice. And I almost made it to the bathroom.

But yup… You guessed it… I didn’t make it. In fact, I “didn’t make it” all over the outside of the bathroom door, the inside of the bathroom door, the outside of the d@mn motion-detector trash can lid and motion-detector sink troughs. Oh yeah… and I also “didn’t make it” all over my new, never-been-worn maternity outfit and somehow (to this day I’m not really sure how I managed this) my freshly-washed hair.

Needless to say, since that fateful and mortifying day, I became a whole lot more content with my “small life” of staying at home in my raggedy pajamas with my unruly hair. Besides, from what I hear about bringing home a new baby… showers are optional anyway. Right?


16 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Green

  1. Poor dear….even though I knew the story, it still makes me feel bad for you. But you make it humorous and we laugh at your expense. So glad you have been feeling much better.

  2. Joanna! Congratulations on your pregnancy! Welcome to the club. So very happy for both of you. I too became a mom for the third time in my late thirties almost 2 years ago and it’s the best thing. You gonna love having a little angel around. He or she will just light up your world.

    • Thank you, Irina! I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you and comment here. The blog has really been neglected in recent months but I did read your kind words as soon as you sent them 🙂 I am super excited about all that is happening and about to happen. Congrats on your third!

    • Thank you so much, Linda! I appreciate your words of encouragement. Things are going well now and I can’t complain. I’m totally excited about what’s to come… except for the sleepless nights. LOL

  3. Congratulations! So exciting! Glad you’re through the worst of it, sickness-wise though. That bit isn’t very fun. Have fun with it all. And yeah, if hanging out at home is what you need to do, do it. Take care of yourself!

    • Hi Stephanie! My first-ever follower 😀 Thank you! I know you did all of this very recently. I hope things are going well for you. I haven’t been very good about writing or reading other blogs so I have no idea what’s happening in your world… But I hope you are well!

      • Yeah, I haven’t written anything in almost a year, so you wouldn’t be all that caught up anyway. But yeah, things are great. Wishing you all the best in this new adventure.

    • Awe… Thank you! The sickness did pass around 20 weeks. It got better at 12 and then even better at 16… and then by 20 it was almost gone. I still have moments and I do need to take a prescription morning and night to feel “normal” but otherwise I cannot complain! Aside from round ligament pain, this has been pretty easy! I’m ever so grateful. I hope all is well in your world?!

  4. Oh No! – so glad to hear it passed for you. My friend was so sick through her nine months many years ago she bought a dog bed and placed it by the toliet. Good thing there is medicine if needed now. Congrats again – cannot wait to hear from you once the bundle of joy arrives 🙂 Take Care

  5. Hope all is well in your world. I was thinking of you yesterday, and then today I see someone clicked through from your blog to mine, so I thought I would stop by and see if you are okay.

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