The Devil Wears Sweatpants

Today was a day of much celebration and cheer. A moment I have been waiting for — admittedly not all that patiently. The phone rang and on the other end were the magic words I’ve so longed to hear: “They want you to start tomorrow!”

As anyone who has searched long and hard for employment in their field knows… it is a thing of beauty when that call comes. Emotions of joy and relief wash over you as you stand just a tiny bit taller… feeling a little less loser-like and little more confident. You consider, for the first time in awhile that you may, in fact, have something to offer the outside world. And it is a good feeling.

I, for one, could barely contain my excitement. I did the proverbial “happy dance” while shouting THANK YOU at the top of my lungs scaring the hell out of the cat. Then promptly called my mother and counted the seconds until Lee came home. I considered how to celebrate. Hmmm… margaritas tomorrow evening with the girls at my favorite Mexican restaurant? Si. Perfecto.

After sharing the details of the new gig right down to the color of the carpeting and the window-to-wall ratio in my new “cube” I realized that Lee—although excited as well—was indeed weary of the sound of my voice. And perhaps it was time to consider prepping myself for my shift from stay-at-home-do-nothing person into 9 to 5 working gal.

And here is where the story takes a very dark and unexpected turn. No, this is not where I tell you that they called back and informed me that they had mistakenly called the wrong person and that I am, in fact, still a loser. Gotcha’ there for a second didn’t I? No, that has already happened to me so as I stated above… this is where the story takes an UNEXPECTED turn.

It was time to approach (gulp) the closet and see what I had in there (double gulp) to wear for my first day at the new office. I feel that here is where I should mention that I have known this day would come. Oh yes, this Day of Reckoning with my closet and my work clothes a.k.a. ALL things NOT made of super-stretchy-love-my-body-no-matter-how-many-bagels-with-cream-cheese-I-pound-and-glasses-of-wine-I-drink elastic and spandex was on the horizon.

I just kept operating in my fantasy world, walkin’ around with remnants of cream cheese on my face figuring “I’ll dust off those workout DVDs and my Ann Taylor pants with absolutely NO give will still look fabulous by the time I get THE CALL” and all will be well with the world. Well… such was not the case. The DVDs are still dusty and the Ann Taylors are still hangin’ in the closet.

This, my friends, is what the sweatpants industry never tells you in their happy commercials where everyone is blissfully snuggling on the couch munching buttered popcorn and watching movies or gathered ’round the breakfast table slamming pancakes. Sweatpants and their seductive cousins Yoga Pants, Pajama Pants, Lounge Pants, Flannel Pants and Fleece Pants are of the devil. Mark my words… they will be the death of your waistline, hips and butt if you spend enough time in them.

You’ve been warned. Your regular pants may be uncomfortable on occasion… but like a parent disciplining their child when they are naughty… they keep you in line. Oh, the waist is getting snug!… or, My ass looks like two pigs wrestling under a blanket in this pencil skirt!… or, I’m about to pop the button on these trousers and bust out a window in the breakroom! are all ways that your “working clothes” keep you from swimming in that murky River of Denial that can only be found deep inside the soft, warm folds of the evil embrace of Sweatpants.

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23 thoughts on “The Devil Wears Sweatpants

    • Yes Linda, I too am in some baggy shorts with an elastic waistband. But I have found some pants that will work for tomorrow. They are snug… but the discomfort shall help keep me in line. That is, until I darken the door of the mexican restaurant Friday night!

  1. Kristine says:

    Congratulations, Joanna, on landing the new job! Regarding the deceptions of elastic waist clothes, I always dread the time when I have to transition from shorts to jeans in the fall. I find summer to be evil for the waistline!

  2. NM says:

    Ohh Jo!! I can so relate!! I am left wanting too everyday when my closet is filled with clothes i dont fit into now!! But congratulations on landing the new job!!! Sweatpants and loose tees are the ways of the Devil to tempt you!! Its time to get those jogging shoes out and face the devil eh? 😉

  3. Yes Yes Yes…so true. Since retiring a year ago, I have made myself wear regular
    jeans etc., for that very reason. People might say, “Why are you so dressed up?” They know I am retired. It is because of what you just talked about!!!! I want to be sure I can still wear the fitted stuff that hangs in my closet from my days of being professional.
    JoJo, be happy and slowly get back to those great clothes…and in the mean time, go SHOPPING! love you.

  4. Don says:

    Glad to hear about the new gig. I hope it is fun and rewarding!

    Loved the article. Laughed out loud a couple of time–smiled throughout.

    I’m certain you don’t buy your clothes at Wal-Mart, like I do. But I’ll give you some advice anyway: Put a few extra stitches around the button. Yes. It did happen to me. Even with a belt, it’s still clear that that button is missing, especially to the person whose eye it struck on departure.

    • Thank you Donald. So far, so good. I’m glad you liked the article. I hope to find time to post another this week. Thanks for the advice on the button stitching. Sorry to hear about the poor person whose eye you put out! 😛

      • Don says:

        Heh-heh. That’s how rumours get started. I exaggerated by saying the button hit someone in the eye. (It did pop off, for I saw it fly.) Then you say I put someone’s eye out, and before you know it, people are saying, “Hey, you see that guy over there–I heard he killed a man. Shot him right through the eye.”

        😉

    • Hi Stephanie! Thank you for asking. It was great! Busy but productive. I am learning so much. It is definitely a new territory for me but it is in an arena I have needed to be working in to build up my portfolio and resume. I hope all is well in your world!

  5. Shawdiane says:

    CONGRATULATIONS on gainning that new Job! Said it would happen soo ! As for the swet pants, I have seen more fat on a greasey chip !! haha. Your waistline looks good in those pics you post of yourself, so GIRL, just go out & enjoy buying some, 9 to 5’s & please don’t let it be too long before you let your readers know how it all goes. GOOD LUCK with ‘That First Day’. Sorry, didn’t mean to frighten you ! You can do it !! Have a great time in your new position in life & We All Want to Know What It Is, Very Soon.
    🙂 KNOCK THEM DEAD & FORGET ANY DREAD 🙂 xx

    • Thank you so much Diane 🙂 I appreciate all of the encouragement. I finally took a moment to return some comments. Sorry it took so long. I am hoping to post something this week about getting back into the swing of things. Have a great day!

  6. Congratulations!!!!!! I’m a bit behind on inbox/blog news given our lovely weather and 5-day power outage last week. Grr! But back to normal now and I’m so glad I had something positive to start my day off! Don’t “sweat” fitting back into the Ann Taylors. You’ll probably be so busy in the next few weeks that before you know it, you’ll be back in them (thinking you could probably use a “sweatpants” day). And yes, I’m all about the reward system, and I definitely think you deserve a few additions to the work wardrobe. Go shopping!!!! I’m really glad your hard job-searching work paid off. I know it’s a weight lifted. They’re lucky to have you working for them!

    • Awww… thanks Paige! It is SO good to hear from you. I am glad you are safe and dry. I trust that you didn’t have any flooding in your area, did you? Thought of you a lot! Thanks for the encouragement. It is a contract position so it is only temporary for now but it is a good JOB and I am hoping that it will open some more doors. Keep in touch 🙂 J

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