An Honest Confession

Call it narcissism, pride or just the plain, old fear of humiliation… but I have been withholding information. Real-life information that I could be writing about instead of waiting for either divine inspiration or for Lee, the neighbors or Stanley the cat to do something blog-worthy.

I have shared all sorts of embarrassing, self-deprecating information here but for reasons that I am not entirely sure of, I have been avoiding the subject that is probably weighing the heaviest on my mind as of late. My job search. I HATE looking for a job. I know, who in their right mind enjoys it anyway, right? But seriously… I really do hate it. And I feel like I have had a lot of experience in this arena, given that I have moved exactly four times in seven years.

I am frustrated that my phone is not getting blown up by every ad agency, retailer, newspaper, magazine, publisher or corporation to which I have sent my resume. But every day as I ritualistically rush to open my email, checking for word that I am indeed the most desirable graphic designer in the Greater Columbus area… Lee reminds me that I’ve been looking for less than two months (to be exact) and that I WILL find something when the time is right. He also smiles, tells me to stop worrying and chill… And then we watch the latest episode(s) of Wicked Tuna on Nat Geo or Real Time with Bill Maher. Thankfully, Lee is the calm and cool to my cracked-up and crazy.

Even though it has taken me exactly 258 words thus far to get to the REAL point of this post, I felt it was imperative to share with you my heartfelt frustration over the job search and just get that part out of the way. See, this entry is not actually about my feelings over the failure to secure kickass employment at the moment. But rather about WHY it is I’ve been so reluctant to share those feelings at all.

I guess it is one thing to share a story about the simultaneous appearance of acne AND crow’s feet or how I managed to ruin something as culinarily simple as mac and cheese. But it is entirely DIFFERENT to write about something of actual concern to me. There really isn’t all that much fun in appearing weak or vulnerable and admitting that something actually (and not in a fun way) kind of scares you.

I think the biggest reason that I’ve been afraid to put my admissions of fear “out there” for the world to read is that, as a woman (sorry ladies for what I’m about to say… but it is often true) I have been party to juicy conversations, discussions, gossip-fests, etc. regarding the misfortunes of others. For reasons somewhat unbeknownst to me, other people’s misfortune can oftentimes be a source of happiness to some.

Now, I’m sure there are deep-seated sociological and psychological implications in said behavior such as finding one’s own worth to be greater only when basking in the blueish cast of another’s less-than-stellar circumstance. I’m sure it’s quite similar to what your mother taught you about people who try to keep other people down in order to build themselves up. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that it is there. And that has been enough. Enough for me to be hesitant in sharing the truth about a real concern regarding my future.

Yet my hope in writing this is to once and for all peel back the covers on my own insecurity, step in front of anyone—friend or foe—who may or may not have my best interests at heart… and keep right on writing anyway. I’ve been withholding now for far too long.


29 thoughts on “An Honest Confession

    • Thank you Andrew 🙂 And thank you for visiting! I am hoping that having written this now… I will be able to feel like sharing more about my struggle/impatience/anxiety/interesting interview stories now.

  1. Darrick says:

    Lee is right … it will come. God has a way of making sure things work out, and putting you in a place that will fit you (and them) best. Hang in there, and continued good luck!

  2. JT says:

    Hey there Joanna, the essence of my work in human services is job development. What that means is I spend most of my time looking for work for the people we serve. I can relate to your situation as well as anyone on one level and yet I know it isn’t quite the same because it isn’t me personally looking for work. Regardless I share your frustration and I know how difficult it is out there in the job seeking market. The blessing I see in all of this is Lee is there and you have a wonderful network of family friends and supporters and I would venture to say that not a one of them considers you any less worth knowing regardless of your vocational status! Hang in There 🙂

    • Thank you JT. I can always count on you for encouragement, I know. I know the struggle is normal but what I found even more interesting was my reluctance to share the struggle here… Hopefully it was a good thing that I did. If no other reason than to vent and get it out there once and for all. Sometimes naming a thing makes it much lesss scary 😉

  3. Hello. My name is Joanna and I am a “looking-for-workaholic.” I know you don’t think this is funny but read on. Hello, my name is Debbie and I am a “retired-forgetting-everything- I ever-knew-ex-schoolteacheraholic”. I just have a few reminders for you and here we go:

    Dairy Queen Swimming Pool lifeguard duderanch receptionist plus many other jobs in the West at the ranch graphic designer jobs at NMSU Bliss something Mount union University plus many other odd jobs that ou have had to make ends meet TOTALLY hard worker and never say die person. So, You are fabulous and hard working and all the advice you have gotten so far on this blog only adds to all the encouragement your family and Lee have given you. So bask in the love others have for you and be PATIENT. You are in a great place in your life right now with THE man of your life and he will never let you down. So there! xxxooo

  4. And also dear may I remind you that YOU have skills. Acutal real life marketable skills. 🙂

    I don’t. Want to trade places with me? I could say more but I won’t. I hate sharing. It can be embbarrassing. I probably spelled that wrong.

    • Linda, you are too sweet. You have photography skills, girl! Do you ever get to use them for profit? Or maybe that would take all the fun out of it?? Thank you for the encouragement. I know it will happen one of these days. Glad I can share the journey with my friends here though. 🙂

      • Ha! No that would not take the fun out of it. Making money would be fun. I have such terrible memory problems that I can’t remember what all I need to know. A lot of my pics are just luck. But thanks for the compliment.

    • Thanks Renee, it was hard at first… the entry took me 3 days to write. They usually take an hour! But I wasn’t sure about being totally transparent. Now, I’m so glad that I was. Hope your weekend is great!

  5. Donald Miller says:

    Oh, it seems to me that ferreting out the enjoyers of others misfortunes is reason enough to write the article. Yes, in deed. I agree with your diagnosis: they do have a low opinion of themselves. And if they don’t, they should. 😉

    I’m sure you’ve heard this enough times- What about starting up your own business? So, I don’t need to do that. But I will say that it’s been interesting having a fictional company with the websites. (No money to make or to loss.) Yet it’s been a bit of a learning experience.

    I suppose not many people have job security these days. Might even be more so with one’s own business. Still, you never know, especially if it’s not much more than a dry run.

    Anyway, I hope you land that dream job with a solid company!

    • Thank you Donald 🙂 I’m glad you liked my idea of calling out the “enjoyers” … even though they will never be identified outright… THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE! 😀 haha… Thanks for the encouragement anyway. I am trying to enjoy this time but also looking forward to the structure of a regular job.

  6. As one who from personal experience truly knows your pain, insecurities and general pissed-offed’ness and sheer frustration at the whole being out of work / looking for work / trying to keep believing something’s out there just waiting… Keep the faith girlfriend…keep the faith….


    • Hi Jacquie! It has been awhile! So glad to see you again. I’ve been so lousy at keeping up with this for almost 3 months now. Thank you for your empathy in the situation. And especially thank you for the cheerleading! 😉 I hope you are well!

      • I’m great thanks 🙂 The guilt is growing at how little I’m actually getting to write/post at the mo… I’m having to make a positive effort to keep up to reading posts as well which is dreadful! I do miss having the free time each day to read posts in my inbox, trawl through some new stuff on WP and have the head-room to be creative and put fingers to keyboard… (Think I might have to increase my number of lottery tickets LOL)

        My blogging school report would be something along the lines of ‘Jacquie has lots of good intentions but not much in the way of follow-through – must try harder!’

        Take care and most importantly – keep smiling 🙂


  7. Shawdiane says:

    Keep smiling Joanna, that job will come !! I just know it will. My dream job did not come to me until I was aged 28 (Custodian of the home of playwright, ‘George Bernard Shaw’ “Shaw’s Corner” (which Shaw gave to the National Trust) & this came literally out of the blue for it was the Trust who asked me if I would like the job after they heard I loved the life & works of GBS. I was in heaven ! So, don’t give up & please don’t get down. As other readers have said. You have many followers out here & many close to you who love you, & your posative writings will get you where you belong. I am sure of it.

  8. Shawdiane says:

    Hating looking for a job, worrying about it & feeling afraid to tell others isn’t an insecurity, it is perfectly normal & you feel like all the other millions out there who feel the same. What is there to like about having to find work, sitting infront of complete strangers at an interview having to give ‘them’ your most personal life story just so “they” have the honour of finding out if you are good enough to work for them. It is ‘We’ who should actually ‘Interview the Companies’ to see if it is ‘they’ who are the one’s good enough to have us working for them. Working can be so inpersonal & a drag. In this day & age of technology so many knew doors are opening & the way we can work is becoming more flexible. That company waiting for you & it is out there waiting to see your name. Make sure when they find you, that you give them a good interview to find out if ‘they’ the one’s who are good enough to employ you. 🙂 Thanks for sharing & being daring it just goes to show you are very caring. And you have nothing to feel insecure about hating looking for a job & admitting it world wide. An employer will probably see this admission as something treuly posative about you. Good luck Joanna & well done. 🙂

    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts Diane! And thank you for following along! I am always so excited “meet” someone new to the blog. I appreciate your encouragement and your thoughts definitely lifted my spirits today. Thank you! J 🙂

  9. Shawdiane says:

    Oops !! Just goes to show, never try to type when you are being driven around country lanes … you miss off letters & the spelling goes all wonky ……. Sorry 🙂

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