No Fat, No Carbs… No Thanks.

Like a desperate hunter setting out into the wild in search of food, I left the office desperately starving and in search of something tasty and filling. I WANTED a cheddar-roast beef sandwich from Arby’s… greasy and dripping with red ranch sauce. But there was a big deadline on Friday’s horizon and a Smoothie King just across the street from the office, so I decided to give that a try instead.

When I walked in the door I was immediately assaulted by an overwhelmingly giant and colorful menu boasting all kinds of things I could not pronounce, let alone grasp what dietary need they would fulfill. A bright-faced boy looking like he couldn’t possibly be a day over 13 leaned across the counter—beaming at me—and enthusiastically asked what I wanted. I cringed. I had no freaking idea what I wanted.

I suppose I wanted something that tasted good above ALL else and something that would make me STOP wanting the greasy Arby’s cheddar-roast beef sandwich dripping with red ranch sauce. But I couldn’t tell Mr. 12-year old, fresh-faced-health-food peddler that. So instead I asked for his recommendation… Which was, indeed, a colossal mistake.

Here is what he SAID: “Well, the ‘Lean One’ is great because it has protein so it helps keep you full, trims the waistline and contains no fat or carbs.”

But here is what I HEARD: “You are fat.”

Here is what I SAID: “Is it going to taste like a diet drink or like an actual fruit smoothie?”

But here is what I THOUGHT about saying as I envisioned myself wagging my index finger in his face and then proceeding to draw an imaginary circle in the air around my mid-section: “You think I am FAT!?! Listen here, String Bean, I may weigh more than you do on your heaviest day, and I certainly won’t be doing any runway modeling, ever… but I am a HEALTHY weight! You don’t know what’s under here. This is a baggy top. I might have a six-pack under here for all you know!”  (I don’t. But he doesn’t KNOW that.)

So now I am stuck. I’ve asked this zygote’s opinion and he’s pointed out that I am fat and in need of some nutritional intervention so out of sheer shame and compliance I ordered the stupid “Lean One” and hoped for the best.

When he triumphantly handed over the cup, certain that he had done a tremendous service in saving me from myself that day, I noticed that the CUP read: “The Lean One enhances fat loss, promotes lean muscle, helps suppress appetite and promotes a healthy heart.”

Now, I’m sure these features and benefits are important to many, many people. But as earlier stated in this entry… I wanted something that tasted good ABOVE ALL ELSE—nutritional value be damned—and something that would make me STOP wanting the greasy Arby’s cheddar-roast beef sandwich dripping with red ranch sauce.

So here is what I THOUGHT as I shuffled out of the store in my baggy top, bitterly sipping my sad little smoothie that definitely seemed like it cut ALL of the culinary corners when it came to taste: “If this doesn’t satisfy me, I’m scarfing down a bag of Doritos. I knew I should have gone to Arby’s.”


10 thoughts on “No Fat, No Carbs… No Thanks.

  1. Joseph Simone says:

    The text was missing from your blog…there was a box where the text should have been which read “Sorry, no posts matched your criteria.”


  2. Don says:

    I kid you not; no joke–I’m scarfing down a bag of Doritos and eating a ham sandwich while I’m reading this.

    I could go for an Arby’s cheddar-roast beef sandwich dripping with red ranch sauce, too. Uhhm, greasy. ~( : ()= (Supposed to be Homer Simpson.)

    This is the sentence that got the biggest laugh from me. “You think I am FAT!?! Listen here, String Bean”

    BTW, I don’t think the first sentence works. Hunters don’t forage for food, do they?
    May I suggest—

    Like a desperately hungry lioness, with an ever so slightly bulbous stomach that scrapes the ground as she sets out into the wild to stalk the nearest Arbys for ‘sustenance’. (Sylvester the Cats favorite word.)

      • Don says:

        I don’t blame you for not using mine. Upon re-reading it, it sucks.

        Yours, on the other hand, is a good straightforward sentence. Now why couldn’t I think of that? “food”. Good choice.

        Sticking with the Homer Simpson analogy I’ve been using, I do sort of feel like him right about now, after reading your sentence and comparing it with mine. Heh-heh.

        Homer says to Marge, “Can you get me one of those thingies that you scrap ice cream out with.”

        Marge responds, “You mean a spoon?”


  3. Don says:

    ~( : (|’)””=

    I guess that a little better Homer–AND HEEee’s eating an Arby’s roast beef sandwich *WITH* drumm rolllll, redsauce.

  4. Sometimes a girl’s gotta have the fat. I tried a smoothie twice. They were both terrible. If I’m going to spend money on food out, it’s going to be something that’s bad for me. I can fix myself healthy stuff at home.

  5. Don says:

    Hey Joanna, I thought I’d share this with you. (You can delete is after you’ve watched it.) I get just as worked up as John Stewart when I think about Fox News.

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