The Woman Inside My Phone

I hate the woman who lives in my phone. You most likely know her, as she is probably the same one that lives in YOUR phone. She tells you what to do and often her instructions are wrong. She misunderstands your voice and touch commands constantly and sometimes cuts you off when you’re in the middle of leaving a message. Like she thinks she knows when I’m done talking? Who the hell does she think she is?

She is also an easy target for the role of scapegoat whenever my phone pisses me off for any reason. If I have a bad signal, no signal, bad reception (whether on my end or the other person’s), a low battery or God forbid—a dropped call—it is all her fault. And I tell her so. Usually really loudly. And my hatred for her grows.

My drive home from work is riddled with shitty and spotty cell reception. I’ll be in the middle of a conversation and… GONE. The call has ended. Abruptly. And usually at a really crucial or pivotal point too. There are at least 4 places that I KNOW a call will drop. I can predict with almost 95% accuracy when this will happen but for some reason that doesn’t stop me from trying to communicate with people. If I have something to say, dammit, I am going to say it! Even if it means calling back 50 times and getting dropped 49 of those times.

While I am driving—for safety sake—I do not wish to use the keypad (I’m such a good and conscientious driver) so I utilize the voice-command feature. Well, I should say that it is a safety measure for myself and the other drivers maybe… but for HER… not so much. She never gets the commands right. For example, I will clearly say: “Call Jan.” And she will reply: “Did you say: Call Ham?” <pause> “Did you say: Call Jam?” <pause> … my anger is building … “Did you say: Call Spam?” <pause> … I’m gonna lose it … “Did you say: Call Dan?”  And I snap. First of all bitch, I don’t have any friends named after food and I don’t even know anyone named Dan. To which she sweetly replies: “Please try again.”  Then she hangs up on me.

That’s when I let loose with a blue streak that could rival any sailor.

As a result of the terrible reception combined by her pure inability to UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THAT I SAAAAY… I cannot even impart to you the abuse this woman inside my phone has had to endure. Let me put it this way… If she were a real person, I’d be in prison by now.

I have been known to scream until I’ve lost my voice while raging at her. I have repeatedly smacked and poked her so HARD that her touch screen flashes all kinds of wild colors. I have thrown her. Also repeatedly. It is a miracle I have not tossed her out the sunroof and into a cornfield by now. Sometimes, after I have exhausted myself from violently cursing at her, I just leave her lying on the floorboard of my car—wherever she last landed—while the blind spots caused by my stroke-level blood pressure clear from my field of vision. I take a few deep breaths, loosen my white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel, crank up the radio and yell at her: We’ll try again later. After I no longer want to rip out your circuitry!”


16 thoughts on “The Woman Inside My Phone

  1. Yes, I refer to her as the “phone lady”. Very annoying indeed.She likes to be an insufferable know-it-all! She won’t shut up when all I want to do is leave someone a message. She proceeds to tell me what my options are, as if I NEED them. Just give me the flipping beeeeeep already…

  2. Tara Canestraro says:

    Once again – I almost spit my coffee on my computer from laughing!!!!! I love how you can take life and describe every emotion.

  3. JT says:

    Ok, I think I have stopped laughing long enough to respond… did my angry post set you off? 🙂 I can’t help thinking about that poor farmer walking through his cornfield when suddenly out of nowhere gets bonked off the head and begins cursing out this woman who doesn’t understand him…. wait a minute that happens to me every time I call a utility company…hmmm we may be on to something here?

  4. LMAO – almost choked on my water. Gotta love technology & the “Phone Lady”:) I have a hate/hate relationship with this other “she”, the GPS and her annoying voice grates on my nerves. I love when “she” tells you to take a u-turn on the freeway, really the freeway! Thanks for the laughter this morning – needed it, especially for a Wednesday!!!

  5. Yes, I thought of the GPS lady. “Turn right here.” Did she mean turn RIGHT here or just turn here and pick a direction. I think they should use an Italian MAFIA voice and we would just cringe in fear and do whatever they say and they would always be right or they would blow up our car. Nice one Joanna. Keep it coming.

  6. It’s obvious none of our phones work as they should! I can see it now it won’t be Burning Man it will be Burning Phone Party. A few weeks ago I tried to call a friend who lives in Florida. It about six times between my cell phone, her cell phone and my internet phone! Technology is not working for humans it is making us crazy, just waiting for the easy take over.

  7. Shannan says:

    Voice to text technology is a nice theory. Every time I say “Call: Lex Simms-Wackerly” I get ” Flex Lex Reality?” …which is pretty close…and we know close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

    • Haha! That’s hilarious Shannan. I know, sometimes I want to laugh at the ridiculous stuff she comes up with. Though, usually… I am pissed at her! Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  8. Jan Adams says:

    LOL….Joanna….this is too funny!! I can totally relate to the woman in the phone! I love that you inserted my name in here as well. We just recently bought a mini van (which I love now), and it has the hands free phone feature. You tell it to say “Call MOM” and it thinks you said “Call BOB”….ridiculous!! Anyway, I miss you tons! Take care and love you!

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