Pretty Sure It’s You

My stomach is turning. My head is spinning. What once stood upright and tall is withered upside down. Peace and calm are shattered by reality.

It’s either you or it’s me. Or maybe it’s both. I haven’t decided. Though I’m pretty sure it’s you.

I don’t know why I try so hard to please you. To make you like me. It’s pathetic. It’s sickening. It’s disgusting. And every time I open my mouth in an attempt to win your approval, I feel like one more piece of my soul has been sold on the auction block.

For way too little.

When will I learn? When will I stop trying? You aren’t worth it. You never were and you never will be. I don’t know how to cease the striving?

Daily I hope for salvation from the sentence I am serving with you. Oh how I will rejoice when this has run it’s course and you and I are done. Some days it is the only thing that keeps me going. Perhaps then … Peace, not Insecurity and Sufficiency, not Inadequacy can become my default mode of being. Again. 

Until then… I guard my heart by guarding my mouth. My words only serve to bury me. Protect my soul by covering my ears. Your forced laughter sickens me. Save the scraps of my self-worth by looking in the opposite direction. The site of you reminds me of how insignificant you think I am.

One day I will turn my back on you and walk away with the vestiges of my pride bundled up in my arms like shreds of colorful fabric. You will be left to swallow your disdain and emptiness—like a bitter pill—when you know not where to direct it.

And I will smile.


21 thoughts on “Pretty Sure It’s You

  1. Torrie Bailey says:

    Wow, Joanna, I love this. I love it because I basically have lived it. In fact, I’m actually currently living this. Beautifully written and perfectly timed, that’s for sure.

  2. Beautifully put into words the feelings we have of rejection. You and I have talked about this and how we both have agonized through it. My “tour of duty” is done and I can sleep in and not be subjected to this agony any more. So for you I pray and encourage and remind you that IT IS NOT YOU!

  3. JT says:

    There is a King, the King of Kings who tells me who you are! You are his daughter, a pearl purchased at a great price, you are one of infinite value and His thoughts towards you out number the very grains of sand. He has a great hope for you, not to harm you but to give you a hope and future! You are an heir to His kingdom, although you hardly know him His love for you is not predicated on your performance, He is there watching, waiting, tender and yearning for you, but not demanding! He…is a gentleman and He is the one in who you can trust and will find rest.

    Thinking of you today and praying peace and power for you.

    • Beautifully put JT. Thank you for sharing this. It is good to be reminded. Thank you for the prayers and if you want, you can keep on doing so… I’d appreciate it! Although I know these thing are true… I am still struggling.

  4. It is important to remember that the more you mold and manipulate yourself to please someone else, the less of yourself you become – and wasn’t it you who they were supposed to have loved to begin with? One day you will wake up and look in the mirror and not recognize, understand or like who you are. And how can you expect someone else to value you, understand and like you, when you don’t understand or like yourself? To thine own self be true – and if they don’t care for the real you, they don’t deserve the real you. I’m pretty sure it’s them, too.

    Your emotions are raw, sharp and unguarded. Your last paragraph was inspirational, sorrowful, vengeful and so, so satisfying. Follow your heart. It knows what you deserve, and you only deserve things as beautiful and real as this post.

    “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” — Dr. Seuss

    • AH! We ARE of like mind, Fountains. That Suess quote is one of my favorites… though harder to live by than it is to comprehend. Thank you for the critique too. You are the one who inspired me to try to put the feelings into words lis way. Thanks for the encouragement and great advice too.

  5. I used to be this girl. Fight on and never give up on you. Life is too short for sadness. “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Be blessed.

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