What’s That Elf on the Shelf REALLY Up To?

So here we are again. It’s creeping up on Christmas and parents everywhere are creeping around their houses late into the night searching for just the right spot to place their creepy little elf for the kiddies to find come morning. Yes, that wicked ol’ Elf on the Shelf has sprung to life once again and being the hater that I am… I couldn’t help but devote some blog time to the miniature Freak Show.

Some of you may recall that I wrote a post about him and his meteoric rise to fame last Christmas when the tiny demon became a blip on my personal radar. In case you missed it and you’re interested, you can read that one here. I feel I did an adequate job of relaying my fear, disdain and general creeped-out-ed-ness for this convention so I don’t think it’s necessary to expound on that much more.

What I would like to point out is that while I knew I wasn’t the ONLY person who found the Elf on the Shelf to be the very incarnation of evil itself — I had no idea how popular fearing him had actually become. It seems that for every parent out there who adores inflicting him and his “magical powers” upon their child, there is someone else more sensible, someone more enlightened, someone… well… someone more like me.

These enlightened ones know this little guy is up to no good. They understand that beneath that tiny red suit beats a heart of pure darkness. And behind those rosy cheeks and piercing blue eyes lurks a monster waiting to be unleashed… in your home… after you’re all asleep.

I’ve compiled the following images from around the web as proof positive that he is not all he’s cracked up to be. The catchy tune, the cutesy animated commercial and the adorably designed, strategically marketed storybook and package is all a disguise. The plan? Get inside your home and gain your trust. The ultimate goal? Well, take a look for youself…

elf_tree lightself_artistelf_song elf_grandma elf_fluffy

Not to worry though parents—if you’ve been duped by the elf and his cleverly-hatched scheme, and he is, in fact, IN your house this very instance—there is a glimmer of hope. Perhaps your child is also an “enlightened one” like I mentioned earlier. And perhaps he or she will take matters into their own hands… like this one did…



16 thoughts on “What’s That Elf on the Shelf REALLY Up To?

  1. The elf on the shelf is a study in irony. He is supposed to cause mischief in the home himself, but then he goes and rats the kids out to Santa? If I were a kid, I would pack him in a padded mailer and send him back to the North Pole!

  2. OMG – the microwave lets not go THERE – what is it with elves and clowns that are so darn creepy! I just heard a jingle someone made up about the elf on the shelf this morning – creepy singing voice, creepy song, creepy message. Great Post – thanks for creeping me out for at least the rest of my Beautiful Thursday – ha! Have a Great One:)

    • Donald Miller says:

      But we can’t leave the microwave out, for it shows the depravity at the very heart of fiend.

      Do you remember when microwaves first came out, and the story of the senile ol’ lady who gave her cat a bath and then in order to dry the aforementioned cat. . . should I dare go further. No I daren’t. RIP Poor Fluffy. May she rest in fiery little pieces.

  3. kalisisrising says:

    I cannot even begin to tell you the depths of my disdain for that creepy little villain. I absolutely abhor him. Even Santa isn’t allowed in our house, he leaves his gifts at the door. There is NO way that elf would ever be welcome.

    My daughter, HOWEVER, adores him. They have one in her kindergarten classroom and she loves him!

    • Donald Miller says:

      Perhaps not so bad. After all, who else would tell Santa other than he who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. I hear tell that they know EVERYTHING that’s going on within a home. For instance the Chinese Elves have reported that in the outsourcing orders they’ve been receiving contain nearly as many adult toy orders from Sweden as they have children’s toy orders.

      But be especially wary of the Krusty the Klown Bondage Mania BDSM Play Set. Many many things can go tragically wrong. Very morally and Physically wrong, wrong, wrong . . . I’m gettin’ a wee bit carried away here, ain’t I?

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