30’s

The Art of Estimation a.k.a. Creative Fabrication

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I have decided that I am now in my “mid-thirties.” That IS how old I am these days. Please note that there is no longer a number attached as I’ve recently decided to boycott the practice of citing exact numbers for things… this includes, but is not limited to: height, weight, age, salary, money spent on a particular item, Oreos eaten in a single sitting and the number of alcoholic beverages consumed on any given weekend.

Estimations and approximations are much more mysterious anyway—thus more interesting. Not to mention they are much easier to remember which is a VERY good thing since aging seems to adversely affect our ability to accurately recall information.

Estimating and approximating are also handy little skills when it comes to interpersonal communications that involve delivering the kind of information that is not necessarily true, but that we know someone WANTS to hear. An example of this would be:

–      RANDOM PERSON I JUST MET:  How old are you?

–      ME: Mid-thirties

–      RANDOM PERSON I JUST MET: How old do you think I am?

(See I think this person is at least 55, but I know that they would much rather be thought of as 10 years younger than they actually ARE, so the Art of Estimation comes into play)

–      ME: Oh… I would guess you to be in your mid-forties.

–      SHOCKED AND FLATTERED RANDOM PERSON I JUST MET: Really!?!? WOW! Thank you! I’m actually 57.

And I’ve just made this person’s day. All because I practiced the Art of Estimation and Approximation. The artistic part is knowing how much one can actually get away with. If you pad the numbers too much, your efforts will be seen as transparent. No more than an attempt at false flattery… and Random Person will dislike you for it. This principle is also extremely effective on people you feel intimidated by or people who feel intimidated by you.

A word of caution: Utilizing this form of communication on family members, loved ones or co-workers (in other words, those who know you best) can be extremely dangerous if demonstrated carelessly. As with anything worth doing, it is worth doing WELL. Goodestimating a.k.a creative fabrication or the effective glossing-over of details takes practice. But don’t be shy! Get out there, stand up straight, flash your most genuine smile and try it out on a few unsuspecting strangers first while you hone your craft.

Thrisis Averted

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Recently I read about something called a “Thrisis.” Apparently, it is a newly-invented term for that dreaded period of time when someone in their late-twenties freaks out because they find themselves staring straight down the barrel of the big 3-0.

Give me a break…

MUST we make up a name for EVERY single portion of the life cycle now? Apparently we must… because we do. Mid-life crisis has been around awhile… but now there are the tweens, the quarter-life crisis, kidults and thresholders—another fairly new word for 20-something men and women who delay adulthood, opting for perpetual adolescence instead.

Now, don’t get me wrong about the practice of creating new words. Language is a living thing, and I completely understand that making up new words is an important part of cultural evolution. I LOVE words. I can’t get enough of them. You can ask anyone. I SAY a lot of words, I WRITE a lot of words… just like now… I am typing these words just because I can.

Anyway… As a 36 year old, let me put the late-20-something-kids-in-thrisis at ease. Thirty is nothing. I welcomed 30 with open arms. I threw a freakin’ party for 30 when it arrived on my doorstep! It is a wonderful demographic in which to be a part of. No longer viewed a “child” by society… you achieve actual adult status, but the investment firms, insurance and pharmaceutical companies haven’t begun stalking you yet.

Now, 35 on the other hand has been a bit more interesting… And perhaps the term thrisis is MORE applicable here.

You see, at 35…

  • You find constant comfort in the fact that Jennifer Aniston and the rest of her “Friends” are older than you are.
  • You notice the lines linger long after the laughter has stopped.
  • You have entered a new bracket on just about everything… forms, various risk calculations, medical conditions, surveys, products, etc.
  • You are becoming acquainted with new vocabulary words such as: mammogram, vitamin deficiency, blood-sugar level, bone density, “good” cholesterol, “bad” cholesterol and triglyceride.
  • You encounter people who, upon hearing your age, start their next sentence with the words: “Well, you’re still not too old to… ” Then, upon realizing you’ve unwittingly become a victim of ageism, you ask yourself: What the #$@!?
  • You still prefer the look of the clothes and styles in the Junior’s Department, but can no longer shop there due to the fact that the Jr. garments do NOT have industrial-strength slimming, smoothing & supporting spandex cleverly-hidden in every nook and cranny.
  • You discover that putting “enough” lotion on your neck has suddenly become an obsession.
  • You realize that your hatred for Justin Bieber stems from the fact that he reminds you of the brat who tortured you while you babysat him WHEN YOU WERE 14.
  • You, yes YOU are now the target audience for Botox commercials.
  • You are no longer the “young” one on the job. You have actual co-workers who not only do not KNOW who Chris Farley, David Spade, Mike Myers, Matt Foley, Linda Richman or Jack Handy are… They don’t find them funny either.

So if you’re standing on the brink of the big 3-0… Fear not! ENJOY yourself… Because you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.