Ladies, we all know what a nightmare it can be to find that magical pair of jeans that somehow makes us look 10 lbs. thinner, 6 inches taller and 5 years younger without breaking the bank, or giving us a nice muffin-top or (gasp) a dreaded camel-toe. Now imagine—for a moment—what it might be like to shop for said item during (shhhh) that time of the month.
Surprisingly, it is not as bad as you would think. I have new cause to believe that shopping for that new pair of jeans while experiencing PMS may just be a great idea, rather than the homicidal-tendency-inducing-disaster that one would initially suppose.
Here are just a few of my reasons why:
- You are already in a pissed-off-mood with a take-no-prisoners attitude. This enables you to blow right past all of the other younger, hipper, skinnier patrons and annoyingly-chipper, SUPER-HELPFUL store employees while you search for the ever elusive “right” pair of jeans.
- Your patience is extremely short. Therefore you are able to cut the crap when it comes to finding that miracle pair. You are “over” lying to yourself about what size you actually wear and can skip immediately to the BACK of the rack where your REAL size hangs.
- If you actually locate said “elusive ‘right’ pair of jeans,” and they actually FIT you with the extra 5 pounds of water weight you are currently hauling around in your trunk, gut and thighs… then you KNOW that they will fit you even better 7 to 10 days from now.
- Due to the previously-mentioned extra 5 pounds of water weight you are currently hauling around in your trunk, gut and thighs… your expectations have been severely lowered. So when the mirror-mirror-on-the-wall-whose-the-skinniest-bitch-of-all moment of truth finally arrives… You are actually PLEASED with what your reflection says about you. One must NEVER underestimate the positive power of lowered expectations.
- If you have located the “elusive ‘right’ pair of jeans,” and they actually FIT you with the extra 5 pounds of water weight you are currently hauling around in your trunk, gut and thighs… AND you have been successful in your reflective encounter with the “mirror-of-lowered-expectations,” THEN you are ABSOLUTELY ready to proceed and face the credit-pushing cashier when she inquires about your potential interest in obtaining a store charge card. You are fully equipped to look her square in the eye and answer her with a strong, resounding and powerful “NO!”
So with your head held high, bag-in-hand and credit-in-tact, you can exit the store. You have your new jeans, the store has your money, no tears were shed, and most importantly… no bodily harm came to any of the parties involved. Mission accomplished.
Now go out and rock those new jeans bitches … and get down with your bad-ass, pre-menstrual selves.