I bit the head off of the girl at the Circle K convenience store yesterday morning. OK, I didn’t bite it completely OFF… but I’m not gonna lie… I did leave a mark. In all seriousness, I snapped because she didn’t have Cherry Pop Tarts AND she couldn’t do a cash-back transaction at her register, which would have enabled me to purchase future Cherry Pop Tarts out of a vending machine on campus.
Upon realizing what I’d done in showing her my “dark side,” I immediately and profusely apologized to her and said that I was having a terrible, horrible, awful, no good, very bad day and it was barely 8 a.m. And then I said that I hoped that SHE had a great day today (extra emphasis on GREAT)… and I smiled just a bit too wide to show her HOW MUCH I meant it.
I settled on some strawberry pop-tarts instead and drove to work like Andretti on crack. As I drove, I began pondering the potential speed bumps in the life of the Convenience Store Clerk (bad pun intended). Please understand, I mean no disrespect to anyone who currently is or has been a convenience store clerk. Nor do I mean to offend anyone who knows or loves a convenience store clerk. I am merely presenting my take on why I think THIS particular profession would be a toughie.
- Creatures of the Night – You most likely work odd hours and therefore interact with odd people. Aside from shift-workers, I personally don’t want to know who is roaming about at 4 a.m. in desperate search of a Twinkie, a Ho-Ho or a slushie… nor do I want to know why.
- Twinkies and Ho-Ho’s – You deal largely with people who either ARE Twinkies and Ho-Ho’s or whose diets consist largely thereof.
- Midnight Heist – You probably live in consistent fear of the “hold-up” for the “less than $50” you carry in your drawer. Anyone else ever notice the 7-foot, vertical rulers framing the entrance and exit doors and how the place is lousy with not-so-cleverly-hidden cameras?
- Lotto Lady – You have to put up with the daily blue-haired ladies who insist upon scratching their scratch-offs AT the counter (despite the ever-growing line of impatient customers chomping at the bit behind them) and if they win even one freakin’ dollar, they will use it to buy yet another scratch-off from you and continue standing there while they scratch that one too. This cycle could continue indefinitely perhaps taking up the better part of an afternoon.
- The Conversationalist – Every store has at least one of these losers who are clearly one-can-shy-of-a-six-pack and they love, LOVE, LOVE to hang around and talk to you… about everything. And where can you go? Nowhere. Even though you are clearly NOT interested OR listening, they’ll talk about the weather… about their sister spending 2 hours straightening her hair every morning… about their mother’s psycho ex-boyfiend and a detailed account on why he belongs in prison… about the government’s conspiracy to monitor our every move through jars of Jif peanut butter… and about Stella—their goldfish—and her third nipple.
- Road Warriors – If your store happens to be attached to a gas station (which they often are) you inevitably deal with a vast amount of misguided wrath over the current price of gasoline.
- Tobacco and Booze Police – Anytime after 2 p.m., on top of doing your regular work, you must be hyper-vigilant in your efforts to keep illegal substances out of the backpacks, pockets and coats of minors and/or would-be thugs.
- Breakfast of Champions – Each morning there is a decent possibility that you will be greeted by an angry, I-hate-mornings and the-world-revolves-around-me bitch, running late for work, who throws a fit when you run out of cherry pop-tarts.
I totally don’t mean to disregard the awesomeness of this post.. BUT – POP TARTS??? SERIOUSLY!?!?!?
I haven’t had a pop tart since I was 8. I’ve been craving them since they stopped selling them in Australian super markets. Actually, when they stopped selling the strawberry ones in Australian supermarkets. You’ve renewed my craving!!!!
Sorry to have stirred up your craving… actually after that day when I couldn’t get cherry and ate the strawberry, I now prefer it! How’s that for irony. I’ll be hoping (for your sake) that they start selling them in Australia again 🙂
Oh so true. I believe I have much more compassion for these poor people! Thanks for making me smile this morning cuz!
Thanks Lindz! I’m glad you liked it 🙂 And yes, I definitely go easier on them since that day!
Poor Dante!
Dante was just for you, Lee. It’s an homage to you… and to “Clerks”
Don’t hurt me, boxes of virtual cherry pop-tarts coming your way! 🙂
Thanks JT! I’ll be on the lookout for those! 😀
Your post is hillarious. In a way you had your own hold up on the cashier over a pop-tart – no pun intended:)
Hi Renee, thanks 🙂 I never thought of it like that but I guess I kind of did. Give me all your Pop-Tarts or I’ll throw my car keys at you! (They are the only weapon I have).
While you dutifully mentioned “Tobacco and Booze Police,” you neglected to mention the task of “Tobacco and Booze Salesman.” Many a time, I’ve wandered into a convenience store well after my usual bedtime, half-drunk (oh, alright — COMPLETELY drunk), trying to buy cigarettes. And I say “trying” because either I’ve forgotten my wallet, I’m too drunk to count out the proper cash or my speech is so slurred that I can’t properly describe what brand I’d prefer.
I usually end such transactions with, “Thank you… and sorry.”
Ha! I like that… “Thank you… and I’m sorry.” I think I’ve had a few of those moments myself. Thanks for adding that.
I will be VERY patient the next time I visit a convenience store…and I won’t tell them I’m related to you.
Yes, it is best NOT to tell them that I’m your kid. They’ll likely not let you in the store. Just don’t be a blue-haired old lotto lady now that you are retired…
Whoa you did a great job with that! I hope that I never have to have that kind of job!
Thanks Linda! I know, I told you it seemed like a hard job to me. No thank you!! I’m glad you enjoyed the post though 😀
How crazed you must have appeared at the counter with your too-wide grin and on-edge emphasis. That definitely made me laugh.
I think I probably scared the crap out of her! I have never seen her since. She porbably got switched to nights 😛 Thank you though!